A natural juggler, but I still can't change a light bulb

3:46pm Thursday 5th April 2007

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THE first time I tried to change a light bulb by myself, I cut my hand and spilt blood all over the carpet.

It was many years ago when I was trying to impress a new flatmate, but things haven't changed much since.

I'm still a disaster in the DIY department, and that's why the start of the summer depresses me.

Mrs Editor's Chair and I spent much of the weekend looking for new flooring in various stores, and it made me feel inadequate.

Whenever I look round, I see sturdy-looking blokes with pencils in their ears and tape measures in their hands. They all look like they know exactly what they're doing.

I have no idea of half the equipment they are buying, because I am genuinely remedial when it comes to this type of exercise.

Yet these fellows seem so expert. They can't all be builders, can they?

My problems began when I was a mere lad. I was hopeless at metalwork and woodwork in school to the point where the macho teachers used to start blubbering when they came near me at a vice.

My dad tried helping. He boasted he learnt to change a fuse when he was seven, but I could be 77 and I still wouldn't work it out. He used to get me to hold screwdrivers while he fixed up the house. I was good at that bit. I could hold a hammer and pass it to the workman as well as anyone.

But the minute I tried doing something for myself I'd invariably whack my thumb, or break a tile. A few years later, I once tried fixing a bath plug and flooded out the flat below because I didn't put it back correctly.

I've come to the conclusion that it's no longer worth the risk. I'd rather pay people to do it.

The trouble is that builders come round your house, see you're a bloke and start talking jargon.

And I'm too vain to admit I'm thick so I try to join in. I say "yeah, yeah, mate" a lot and suck my teeth along with them but I really haven't a clue. They might as well be talking about rocket science as far as I'm concerned.

As I write this, I'm struggling to think of one DIY success ever. I suppose the only thing I ever did well was fix the plumbing.

I managed to get under the sink and repair the pipes once. I used a wrench and repaired a leak, much to Mrs Editor's Chair's shock and awe.

It made me wonder. Perhaps I am a natural plumber. I've always felt that everyone has a hidden talent they don't know about.

This phenomenon came home to me when I tried to juggle for the first time. My hand eye co-ordination is terrible, but for some reason I am a natural juggler. I could keep three balls up in the air at the same time, as well as throw them backwards over my head and under my legs without dropping them. I did all this with no tuition and little practice.

But I still cannot change a light bulb.

Perhaps I should run away and join the circus. Sounds a better idea than spending my weekends standing gormlessly in DIY stores.