The Wasps match-ups I'd love to see! (From Bucks Free Press)

The Wasps match-ups I'd love to see!

4:59pm Monday 13th October 2008

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Well its been a very interesting few weeks at Wasps HQ.

It's been a tough one as well, with 3 games in 7 days and a must-win Heineken cup match on the weekend - the boys have come through it pretty tired but relatively unscathed (albeit 2 players who had done themselves a mischief last week with one having 5 sore knuckles and the other a boo boo on his upper lip).

The results have been a bit mixed and as professional sportsmen you hate to lose, and as part of a close, tight-knit family atmosphere like at Wasps, the losses shudder through our corridors and changing rooms even more so.

The reason for this is that we expect to win and everyone else expects us to win.

Thankfully we have the right people in place to be able to soldier on and be successful as it showed yesterday against Castres.

It was especially good to see Danny and Josh play well, after the ridiculous circus that surrounded them last week.

On this note I’ve compiled a dream list of the punch up’s involving Wasps players I’d like to see: 1. Eoin Reddan Vs Papa Smurf – I think Eoin would have this one - but only just. Very similar in size and equally as nippy around the base of the ruck, I think Papa Smurf because of his age would tire in an extended joust and predict Eoin would win by an ‘Irish Tinker’ submission hold.

2. Tim Payne Vs Will Ferrell – this would be the ‘Battle of the Filth’. Both contenders sporting strangely similar chest hair characteristics and a willingness to be as un-sportsmanlike as possible - the fight would degenerate into a vicious, no holes barred cock-fight. The winning Rooster here would have to be Payne. The big man would finish Ferrell off with a deftly co-ordinated poke to the eyeball and twist of the scrotum.

3. Chris Bishay Vs G-Unit – The Finchly heartthrob would be completely out of his depth here, as the young fellas favourite U.S. Hip Hop group have an arsenal of guns and Chris doesn’t. I predict fourteen 7.6mm rounds to the torso. He’s a tough young lad though, so look for Chris to shrug it off and come back fitter and stronger for next time.

4. Tom Voyce and Paul Sackey Vs Simon and Garfunkle – this would be more of a ruthless and bloody defeat than Bishays. Completely outclassed in all areas of mortal combat, the famous duo of Voyce and Sackey would get an utter pounding. Look for Art Garfunkle to end proceedings by chinning Voyce who is cowardly sheltering behind Sackey.

In other news, and this is a completely true story, revelations unfolded last week that the Tory party have headhunted a member of the Wasps squad – Tom French.

Ever since Frenchys boyhood hero, Boris Johnson, was promoted to Lord Mayor of London, the Tories have been on the lookout for a replacement candidate.

Reports say that the former public school pin-up boy from Harrow School, was asked to give a presentation at the party conference in Birmingham in the area of property and stamp duty.

Capital old bean!

This is especially hilarious as Tom has no education in either property OR tax issues, still lives with his parents and continues to wear Transformer branded flannel pyjamas.

Yet Tom was ear-marked as an expert in the field to pass on his advice. To sweeten the deal they threw in 6 brand new tweed cravat’s and a manual on “How to negotiate with Peasants”.

It looks like the credit crunch has finally hit the after-dinner speaking circuit.

Unfortunately he had to decline but it still provided a few of us with a brilliant laugh, and provided Tom with a possible career path after rugby.

I told him he would defiantly get my vote, then he told me as part of their new immigration policies he would see to it that all New Zealander’s would be deported and not allowed back into the UK. Touché.

Finally, I put myself into hot water 2 weeks ago by insinuating that my wife couldn’t cook – she cant, and I won’t retract the statement.

However my mistake was airing it publicly and has forced me into retreat mode around the house.

It has also put immense pressure on me to organise the most romantic wedding anniversary celebration known to man (anniversary is this weekend).

Before my ill-conceived article last week, Amanda, my wife, would have been over the moon with a firm handshake and a bottle of Bucks Fizz.

Instead now to get back into her good graces, i will need to start a line of credit at Tiffany’s and hire Peter Andre to do a private performance of ‘Mysterious Girl’.

Please send in your suggestions to help me out.

Till next time Joe Ward