9:48am Monday 19th July 2010
By Bucks Bites
Next spring her school hopes to take her away for four nights and five days. I feel I’m the only parent concerned about this. I’m sure that’s not the case.
The idea is to build confidence, work with teams and generally have fun. All this I agree with.
My daughter’s never slept at a friend’s house. (Tried twice and it didn’t work out.) She’s stayed at my mother’s house a few times for a night. She’s never had a childminder, nanny or au pair. She’s homely and shy.
The first time I went away with my school I was 12. Skiing for a week. It was a good trip. The experience of the skiing itself has been lost in the under stairs cupboard which is my memory.
But the evenings of laughter, stupidity, secrets and bonding I did with the girls I shared a room with remain clearly.
I just feel unsure and my concerns are numerous. If I raised my issues with most, I’d be told ‘She’ll be fine’, that I’m soft and have to let go some time. Sure. But when?
”I’ve never heard anyone sound concerned about how self-sufficient a child is (at two say) or how distant or how eager to go and stay with someone else”
And what if it’s not me that’s holding on? Am I to prise my offspring from me in a painful ritual?
This weekend I spoke to an acquaintance whose daughter’s school (Hounslow area) takes pupils away every year from Year 3 (7-8 year olds). What for?
As a society we seem to worry a lot more about children we deem to be ‘soft’ than about those who might be hardened too soon. Shouldn’t we ask if it’s OK for a ten-year-old to leave home for a week and not fret?
It probably is. I just started thinking of the number of times I’ve had these conversations with other parents about ‘clingy’ children or those who have ‘separation anxiety’. Is this what we call attachment now?
I’ve never heard anyone sound concerned about how self-sufficient a child is (at two say) or how distant or how eager to go and stay with someone else. If it’s said at all, it’s said with a degree of pride: it’s a good thing.
Through both eras of my motherhood (80s and 90s the first time), it seems to have been an issue. Was it ever thus?
It would be easy for me to feel I’ve done something wrong. Most parents I’ve spoken to so far say their child is raring to go, can’t wait.
”And as parents we defend our decisions to the death: ‘What I’m doing is right for my child.’ I’m no different”
People expect their children to be independent early on. I don’t know if we’re hoping to make more efficient, more independent citizens or what.
As parents, we always worry that events and situations will have long-term effects on our children. Children (people) can be so easily ruined.
If you talk to people who were evacuated (some 4 million I think) during the Second World War, many are vulnerable, unstable and slightly bewildered. They have a deep sense of pain and hurt.
One woman I interviewed said she found it difficult to get close and trust people. I’m sure she wasn’t alone.
The ‘growing up fast’ condition smacks of adults who want the glory of saying they have children but having those children stand on their own two feet asap.
And as parents we defend our decisions to the death: ‘What I’m doing is right for my child.’ I’m no different.
I’m sure my daughter will go. (The alternative is for her to stay at school when probably everyone else will be away. Hmmm, tough one...)
Summer holidays beckon and my daughter and I plan to spend every day together. It will be difficult at times (dinners will be rushed, the house will be a disgrace).
But I detect changes in her already and know it won’t be that long before she doesn’t want anything to do with me!
Vive la différence! As people say, it takes all sorts. And I’m sure society always has a need for soft, sensitive types too.
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