I call an end to the white wedding. Right now. (From Bucks Free Press)

Thinking of getting married? Just like William and Kate?

12:30pm Thursday 20th January 2011

• Print
• Email
• Comments(3)

I have close family members who are performers. They are frequently booked to perform at weddings. At Christmas, one mentioned the start of The Season. (Weddings).

More white dresses, more top hats, more apricot-coloured bridesmaids… Yawn… Is that any sort of start to what is a lifelong arrangement? I’ve seen more imaginative divorce parties.

What’s with the dress that looks like it’s been heavily whisked? The pinned up hairdo with some tendrils framing her beautiful face and morning suit for the man?

True there are a minority of quirky marriages – biker couples, cowboys and girls, Star Trek get-ups no doubt. But guaranteed when you pass a church and the traffic slows between May and July, you can bet she’ll be in some flouncy overdone item. Enough!

For sure William and Kate (Catherine?) will remain traditional. I suppose they have to. But there’s already been a run on her engagement dress. Since they’re marrying early in The Season, it’slikely that there’ll be a run on Kate-style wedding dresses after.

With the trillions of options open to couples why are we so fixated with the White Wedding version?

It’s to do with girls and their princess fantasies I think. ‘Queen for a day’ sort of thing. That’s fine but you can be special wearing anything surely.

Considering it’s ‘your special day’ the lack of imagination is astounding. Is that all couples (women?) can come up with? And it costs an arm and a leg!

The average (and they are pretty average) day costs between £15 to £25K. Bride’s outfit, bridesmaids kits, hair, make-up, entertainment, travel, hotels… That’s a deposit on a property.

My second wedding cost a three-digit figure. All in. When I’ve told people that, I’m sure they’re thinking, ‘Oh, but didn’t he buy you a diamond?’ (No) ‘Aw, you’re worth more than that – it’s your special day…’ ‘Poor thing’.

Or just ‘Tight gits’.

I didn’t cost the wedding going on what my personal value in life/the economy was. Do others? We had better things to spend money on and to blow it all on a party seemed stupid.

So I urge those planning a wedding (probably I’m too late for this year’s batch, I know most start organising them 18 months ahead) to fire up their imaginations.

Have a Country Hunt wedding, a Characters from Hamlet day or Courier Company Uniform theme. (I quite like the UPS one.)

Don’t have that vintage car sail you to the church. Go in a Reliant Robin or arrive in a rolled up rug.

White weddings give the event an air of anonymity and blandness – all brides look the same, all weddings run the same; same ceremony, same hat for the mother of the bride, same looking flowers (I’m not good with flowers, I might be wrong) and same astronomical budget.

And the receptions seem to be identical too. At the few I’ve been to, the seating arrangements are horrendous and the guests are sort of replicas of those at other weddings too.

Someone at my table will get boringly drunk, another will flirt with everything that looks like the opposite sex (gets worse the drunker they get), another guest will nearly have a fight and the youngsters will hang out at the back smoking weed.

And watching a woman in a white lampshade type dress trying to dance to Lionel Ritchie’s You Are My Destiny looks plain daft. Don’t do it!

Of course I will watch William and Kate’s wedding because I quite like the look of them as a couple and will be interested to see how their plans to have a more modest day pan out.

But even if only on behalf of my family members who must endure these functions, go wild with your day. Make it small and intimate, look great (the whisked dress doesn’t suit everyone) and have something really interesting to show your family in years to come. (“Crikey, Granny married in lycra shorts and a mesh vest – didn’t she have great legs!”)

Thank you.

Readers who submit articles must agree to our terms of use. The content is the sole responsibility of the contributor and is unmoderated. But we will react if anything that breaks the rules comes to our attention. If you wish to complain about this article, contact us here

Readers who submit articles must agree to our terms of use. The content is the sole responsibility of the contributor and is unmoderated. But we will react if anything that breaks the rules comes to our attention. If you wish to complain about this article, contact us here