Dealing effectively with the young (From Bucks Free Press)
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The perfect wife and mother, Rebecca runs a home, a village magazine and is working on her novel. She does not visit the gym or jog but is in amazingly good shape. She enjoys photography, playing the piano and arguing with the TV. She lives in Amersham with her husband and youngest child (aged nine). Her eldest, now 26, lives and works in Buckinghamshire.
From one parent to another
8:34pm Wednesday 6th April 2011
The story of a 16-year old girl being sexually assaulted in Wycombe must disturb most people – parents or not.
The idea of youth being sullied, of innocence being stolen is distressing. It makes me think of how difficult parenthood is. So many risks, so little useful guidance, such inability to predict outcomes.
We as parents are held entirely responsible for the way our children turn out.
We have to decide, on a daily basis, how to teach and guide and nurture our children. And yet they – and we – are part of a larger society which also has influence.
The first thing that strikes me about this story is that the girl was assaulted at around 2.45am.
At nearly three in the morning on Sunday this girl was alone in the town.
This thought alone disturbs me. My imagination creates a picture of a young girl with troubles, afraid to go home, when all her friends are safe in their homes. Perhaps she was out all day and night.
The question of how much freedom to allow our children will have as many answers as there are parents.
As much they want? As much as we had? Less? More? Whatever their friends have?
I often find myself saying ‘No’ mindlessly to my daughter. Why? To cement in my daughter’s mind that I’m boss? To exert my puny authority?
Other times I’ll say, ‘I have to think about that’. And I do. I find my response after thinking is better and stands up to closer scrutiny.
The decisions about freedom and safety are impossible ones. And I know because I have a 27-year old son. Deciding each and every time I was asked what time he had to be back was wearying.
Because each time there was opposition. Many teenagers think that coming in times should be extended by an hour each day...
Is this time OK? Is it too late? It’ll be getting dark.
Will he be made fun of? Will he be excluded? Will his friends tease him? I don’t think they did. He still has those friends.
Sometimes the weariness and repetition of curfews leads to surrender. ‘Oh go on then, be a street child then!’
And sometimes it leads to the young person deciding themselves when to be home.
To spite their parents. To prove they’re grown up. To encounter danger and test themselves.
And when they do encounter danger, it is horrific. Walking around town at three in the morning is a good way to find danger.
Which means trauma, fear, distress to the victim, police attention, inquiries and a lot of focus suddenly on that teenager.
Then again some parents may consider their children adults at 16.
As parents we don’t really know what we’re doing. We have to sound decided to our children and convince ourselves we’re right. I know this and continue to be aware of my irreversible mistakes.
We can’t judge other parents and we shouldn’t.
I hope the young girl finds strength and stability and has good help when she needs it. I hope her parents understand what has happened and that some good can come of it.
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Comments(12)
Rebecca Leon
says...
12:22pm Thu 7 Apr 11
:
Which only throws up more questions for me.
NicM
says...
12:37pm Thu 7 Apr 11
The most stressful part of bringing my children up was the transistion between teenager and adult. The older one pushed every boundary and was therefore given less trust whereas his younger brother was catching the train into London with his mates to see gigs at 16. This caused endless rows at home!
And that is part of the problem - you are damned by guilt if you do let them out and something happens and often damned by them if you don't!
I think another friend had the best idea. She converted a detached garage where her boys could 'hang out' with their mates. It was less restrictive and uncool for them and less worrisome for their parents!
NicM
says...
12:40pm Thu 7 Apr 11
Rebecca Leon
says...
1:54pm Thu 7 Apr 11
:
I remember my son's teenage years with a sort of deflated sense of doubt - unsure that I got any of it right.
:
And I tire of the parents who can't reflect either.
:
Because it means the children have all the blame pushed into them by largely inadequate parents. What a start in life...
:
I think there should be post-parenting support sessions available!
:
The garage idea sounds good!
demoness
says...
6:22pm Thu 7 Apr 11
Perhaps I was lucky - my two enjoyed home life, had very active social lives but did not feel the need to hang round parks.
I do not think that interfered with their independence at all .
From the age of 10 they were catching the bus backwards and forwards to school on their own which gave them a lasting confidence in public transport.
I never have any worries of them getting the wrong bus and they train all over the place as adults.
I constantly reflect on their teenage years - what could I have done better? What was good? We all have regrets.
And we all have different boundaries that they try and push.
NicM
says...
6:48pm Thu 7 Apr 11
My sister has a daughter who is showing no signs of pushing the boundaries - I think some children are by nature more content than others and girls are not (usually) as defiant as boys.
I don't think I could have done anything different (apart from abdicated all responsibility) to make older son less confrontational. I am a fairly easy going parent and probably more flexible than most.
However I believe that my responsibility as a parent was just that - I had no desire to be their best friend as sometimes no had to mean no.
I must have done some things right - I have generally good relations with both of them now.
Rebecca Leon
says...
8:48pm Thu 7 Apr 11
:
And as for boundaries, I think they sprawl from when to eat and where (no TV dinners...) to free time, visits to friends, alcohol consumption, the opposite sex and manners at home. And much more besides!
:
And now with my second child, I'm aware of how little focus there is on mental health of the young.
:
Fitness and diet? You can hardly get away form them.
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Mental health and how to take care of it seems unimportant to most people.
:
We are familiar with unhealthy eating, obesity and anorexia.
:
Do we know anything about ensuring our children are sound mentally?
:
Anyway I feel my son and I are close too. For all his wild years, my tears both our exasperation.
:
'How Little We Know'... (song from 'To Have and Have Not')
NicM
says...
11:39pm Thu 7 Apr 11
As the saying goes 'Success is not measured by how many times you fall down but by how many times you get up again'.
By not allowing our children to fail we are preventing them from feeling the joy of success. If the work they do is not up to their capability they should be encouraged to improve it in a positive way - not be told that horrible Americanism of 'Good Job Joe' when it really isn't........
Rebecca Leon
says...
11:21am Fri 8 Apr 11
:
What about a sense of self and identity? A knowledge of their ancestry (few feel this I think) and independence in the sense of feeling it's OK not to follow.
:
Following only leads someone to where the person in front is going.
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And as mentioned in a previous blog, that vital self-esteem that UK children seem to lack more than their European peers.
:
I think many parents instill a false sense of self-esteem in their children with this new-American, cheerleading 'Yay' culture! Noisy, boastful, a little vulgar...
:
There that's it for now...
Focus89
says...
5:50pm Sat 16 Apr 11
Most of my teenage life i didnt have a curfew, i used to be out until 3-4 in the morning.
I have turned out better than most my age. Now i am older i can see it from the other side.
Parents only set these boundaries to protect their children, although most children just think the parents are beiing too harsh!
It is very hard.
This day and age i wouldnt even be out in desborough in my car after dark!!
Whenever i drive through all my car doors are locked!!
Rebecca Leon
says...
3:41pm Tue 19 Apr 11
:
Would you have liked more curfews (in hindsight)?
:
What did you do until the wee hours?! I suppose your friends were also up late...
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The perfect wife and mother, Rebecca runs a home, a bad temper and is working on her novel. She enjoys photography, playing the piano and likes almost anything that's out of fashion and uncool. She lives in Amersham with her husband and youngest child (aged ten). Her eldest, now 27, lives and works in Buckinghamshire.
demoness says...
7:44am Thu 7 Apr 11
That was my first thought when I read that story - what the heck was a 16 year old doing out at that time of night?
We had a curfew for both our daughters and at 16 there was no way that either one of them would be out at that time of the morning and despite what critics say, Desborough Road is not one of the best areas of High Wycombe....
However we don't know the circs of her being there - maybe ( as you say) it was an argument or some sort of defiant gesture on her behalf and her parents were going out of their minds with worry.
I am lucky because neither one of mine really rebelled - perhaps it was because home was too comfortable and we never had a problem with their friends coming round. I mean why sit in a park at 10 at night when you can be sitting in a centrally heated house?