The Supermarket Code (From Bucks Free Press)
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The perfect wife and mother, Rebecca runs a home, a village magazine and is working on her novel. She does not visit the gym or jog but is in amazingly good shape. She enjoys photography, playing the piano and arguing with the TV. She lives in Amersham with her husband and youngest child (aged nine). Her eldest, now 26, lives and works in Buckinghamshire.
The Supermarket Code
5:30pm Friday 10th June 2011
If I were manager of a large supermarket… Here are some enforceable rules I’d implement.
It is forbidden to allow under 10s to drive a trolley or wield a basket.
Too often I have wheeled down the bread aisle and witnessed a rogue trolley approaching. It appears unmanned and is swerving about dizzily. After passing it I see a toddler – yes, a toddler – who can barely walk is in control of it. This will be punishable by making the toddler do the weekly shop. Unaided.
Customers should collect a badge on entry The badges would help others identify the category of shopper. ‘Time Management issue shopper’, ‘First time shopper’ ‘Cooking in school shopper’ would have to be the basic ones.
There would be, ‘Old and can’t see well – did I just put my Camp Coffee in your trolley by accident?’ And, ‘In love and on a date’ (avoid these dreamy, happy couples, They’re not shopping at all.) Also ‘PMT/Menopausal’, ‘Just divorced’ and ‘Shopping for booze only’ Some staff in Tesco wear fleeces which read, ‘I am deaf’ on the back. Others don’t but they don’t answer when spoken to anyway. All rude staff should be identifiable. ‘I can’t be asked’ fleeces could be designed, perhaps with an appropriate manual signal embroidered on them to help us.
At the checkout, the maximum number of items you can ‘run back for’ is two. Anything else constitutes a separate shop.
In fact I may introduce a ‘run back’ checkout. So that all these infuriating people can queue together.
In fact it won't be manned until the shopper has placed all items on the belt and stood still for seven minutes.
Maps will be provided when the store is fancifully reorganised.
This one will be adhered to strictly. Otherwise shoppers end up asking a member of staff, ‘Do you have any tinned corn?’ and being led to the aisle that says tinned vegetables only for the staff to look in the same place you’ve just looked.
I wouldn’t allow any promotional pods where staff offer popcorn/coffee/rice pudding at odd times of the day. Some dessert at eleven o’clock madam? Coffee at 9.00 pm? What are you thinking you mad pod people?
And as store manager, I of course would be wearing not a badge but a sandwich board which lists my main areas of difficulty, my message to customers and personal statement to the world. Embroidered hand signs/smileys included.
(P.S. Why don't some of the html tags work? Paragraphs are intended but refuse to appear when politely requested.)
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The perfect wife and mother, Rebecca runs a home, a bad temper and is working on her novel. She enjoys photography, playing the piano and likes almost anything that's out of fashion and uncool. She lives in Amersham with her husband and youngest child (aged ten). Her eldest, now 27, lives and works in Buckinghamshire.
