If you could have just one function … (From Bucks Free Press)

If you could have just one function …

9:10am Monday 10th October 2011

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The idea of robots frighten me. A possibly living thinking entity which can be programmed, has no emotion, (I’m being very non-technical here) but understands language and human expression and might be able to reproduce must be a danger to humanity.

But on reflection, a few computer functions wouldn’t go amiss, would they?

Wouldn’t it be good if we could opt (say at the age of 25 – there’d have to be an age of consent) to have one computer function installed in yourself? What would it be?

The most useful function I can think of is the delete key. Ah yes, erase those stupid words; those emails or phone messages. Just like in a document, you’d have to somehow highlight all the things you wanted to erase. In my case whole days at a time.

Or what about F1. You could have an inbuilt list of topics you might need help with: like how to convert American cups into British cups and then those into oz/mls (last week’s F1 conundrum).

Or how do I prioritise my list of things to do. Although knowing computers, I’d have to order them alphabetically. Great. So Car Mirror (my car has no rear view mirror) would come before Car Tax.

Mind you, that’s actually sensible. My car passed its MOT without a mirror. The police wouldn’t smile kindly and ignore my illegal car though. Maybe as part robot, things would be easier after all.

I also fancy having a download facility. Maybe by just a huge intake of breath I could store billions of bytes of information text, images, facts, clever anecdotes: the QI elves at my disposal.

Just think where it might lead me. (Beaten up by some intellectual Troglodyte probably: ‘there, put that in your memory!’) Oh the idea is liberating. I could have a list of fonts and change my voice just for effect when speaking: from Brian Blessed to Will Smith to Dame Judi Dench. I could sound frightening, friendly or authoritative on demand.

I’m quite taken with the idea of having a Search Engine. Not only would I have lots of (downloaded) knowledge I’d also be able to access it. I could maybe find paperwork, items of clothing and CDs that have been missing for months.

And then there’s memory. I could increase mine by many times just by installing gadgets. (By this stage I’d look like a cross between a microwave and a huge chest of drawers.) But then… what if… the whole system crashed. If I was as computer illiterate with my own personal functions as I am on the PC. I’d overload my systems and get even slower.

Then I’d need a specialist to take me apart and fiddle with my workings.

I think the idea’s just lost a lot of appeal. Someone would open my head up (or back or tummy – I’m not sure where all this stuff would be stored) and laugh.

“Hah! No wonder she’s bust. She downloaded the idiot’s guide to how she actually works – and tried to fix herself.’ There’d be no fixing my problem. I’d have to join the special landfill site reserved for robots.

They might consider removing any re-usable parts.

I think being a whole human is a far better option.

With all its failings and errors of judgement and irreparable errors.

Though maybe just one function… CTRL ALT DEL…

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