Because I won’t pay for channels I suffer Freeview with programmes interspersed between long spells of ads.

The one that’s made me agog with bafflement is some car ad which claims to make the surface of the road closer to your skin.

Look, you don’t need a £20,000 car for that. Just get on a motorbike and drive round Amersham; you’ll soon have the surface of the road really close to your skin. Sliding across it as some huge over-shiny, computer-programmed mass and the vehicle they’re in rolls easily over your pride and joy and planned leisure ride.

Then the predictable scorn and mocking of men in general. From the loo cleaner one with the fireman to the yoghurt one where they’re effectively calling the hunk wading out of the sea thick. Why? Obviously they’re not targeting men (who don’t eat yoghurt or clean loos…

But what about Butlins? ‘Our true intent is all for your delight’. What? Is that even English?

That’s just like those ebay descriptions to catch all searches: coat jacket gilet shrug wrap stole cabinet blanket naughty…

Do they mean their intention is to delight us?

‘Intent’ just smacks of murder. Yes, the Butlins did it… A redcoat with intent…

I’m not sure who or what is to blame for these innovative uses of the language. Maybe just bad schooling and a lack of good candidates for the job. (Are they paying enough?)

But to end a good note, the 118 twins still entertain me. Full marks to the creative department there: I even remember what they’re advertising. Success.

A short gripe for the start of the year. This year blogs will contain nothing but good feeling…