Who can end car misery?

I KNOW Star readers enjoy puzzles, so I have a nice conundrum today. Name the identity of the following person:

"I love school half term, yet I'm not a teacher or a pupil.

"I do not have school-age children, nor do I work in the education sector. But half term week in Bucks is still a special and beautiful time for me. Who am I?

Guessed it yet? Yes, it really wasn't that difficult.

The identity of the half term holiday lover is, of course ... the humble motorist.

School holiday time is an oasis of joy in a barren landscape of never-ending traffic chaos for every driver in South Bucks.

As I've told readers many times before, my 1.5 mile journey to work normally takes over 20 minutes.

I crawl along the London Road, High Wycombe, at a snail's pace watching pedestrians overtake at will. Yet I need my motor for both work and domestic purposes, so I either have to drive to the office or buy two cars.

On Monday, that same trip took less than five minutes. London Road was so empty that I thought for a second there was some kind of national emergency.

A petrol shortage perhaps? An impending nuclear war? No, it was merely that the school runs were on a week's break and the roads were free again for the rest of civilisation.

Now I know I've banged on about this subject in the past, but the link between school runs and excessive traffic jams does seem blindingly obvious, even to a hick like me.

Surely this nation's traffic planners can come up with a way to use this correlation to our best advantage.

Road tolls, fuel price hikes and parking restrictions have all failed to curb traffic, because motorists will put up with almost anything to use their cars.

So why not do something radical with school transport? There are a couple of options I can see: 1) stagger school opening hours to fit around rush hour; 2) give massive incentives to parents to use school buses.

What we need is a fleet of super-efficient mini-buses that go virtually door-to-door from the kids' houses to the school gates.

Naturally, that would cost a fortune, but balance it against the cost it would save to the environment.

You could also recoup large chunks of cash by using the system in tandem with road tolls.

I'm certain readers will shoot down these schemes as impractical, but they are only meant as broad brush-strokes. Some bright spark must grasp the nettle and see that school-run traffic holds the key to ending the misery on our roads.

I'll give a special Editor's Chair prize (as yet undecided) to the reader coming up with the best solution. Write to Editor's Chair, The Star, Gomm Road, High Wycombe, Bucks, HP13 7DW or scohen@london.newsquest.co.uk

I'm no barbarian, honest

I WAS astonished to read that the central character in Terry Pratchett's new book is called Cohen The Barbarian.

Terry, as most of you will know, was once a journalist on the Bucks Free Press. Now he is one of the world's top-selling fantasy authors.

The Free Press, which I also edit, revealed on Friday that some of the characters in his fiction appear to be based on his former teachers at John Hampden Grammar School. I am happy to point out that I've never met Terry and I'm certain that he has never heard of me. Therefore, the fearsome and odd-looking warrior in his Discworld story is completely unrelated to Yours Truly.

But if Terry is looking for more fantasy ideas, I suggest he bases his next book on the story of Wycombe District Council's embarrassing attempts to install a fountain on Frogmoor. But would anyone believe it?

February 14, 2002 13:38