I used to know what a vegetarian was: someone who didn’t eat any animal products.

My (concise OED) dictionary says: ‘One who abstains from animal food… whose diet includes roots, green vegetables, cereals, seeds, fruit and nuts with or without eggs and dairy products.’ That’s clear.

Forget the dictionary. That’s too rigid for the new vegetarians. Over the last couple of decades, it’s become a highly individual, uniquely self-styled trend… er… I mean life choice.

So I’ve heard a chap recently say, ‘I’m going for a nice take away: prawns and rice. I’m a vegetarian you see.’ And someone else said, ‘I’m a vegetarian; I don’t eat red meat.’ What?!

Even the lovely, meaty creatures these people are supposed to avoid have more sense. A herbivore won’t sometimes indulge in a nice bit of rodent or reptile. Vegetarianism is now a sort of part-time, casual working arrangement thing. Pick ‘n’ mix. ‘I’ll do the bits I enjoy and leave the rest.’

I think the word ‘vegetarian’ is only bandied about to make the person get a bit more attention. In the end, they’re not vegetarians but it makes them momentarily a bit more interesting. We all want to belong to a special group now.

But those special groups are too general for some. So they need caveats and sub-groups. Makes them even more special. Hence the ‘vegetarians’ who eat meat. I haven’t even looked into the vegans!

And another question is: if vegetarians really don’t like meat, why are there so many meat-free products which simulate meat products? Sausages, pies, burgers… Or are they for real carnivores? So we can assuage our consciences.

I’m sorry to sound like a hard-line, die-hard extremist, but this is all too open to manipulation.

I urge the vegetarians to either be average (omnivore) or be true vegetarians.

Or do something really alternative: but maybe that requires too much commitment and sacrifice.

I’ll start going around saying to people I’ve only just met, in a gruff-voiced, red-faced, meaty kind of way: ‘I’m an omnivore.’

Though my student years were plagued by wafery, pale-skinned individuals arguing aggressively (did they secretly eat red meat?) about animal rights, murder, the savagery of humans, the gruesomeness of leather shoes and the like. So maybe I won’t bother.

And I’m not righteous about it. I don’t feel superior: I actually wonder whether I’m a worse person for eating other creatures. Not sure. But I like meat. That’s all.

Why don’t I feel the need to advertise my dietary choices? Because it doesn’t concern anyone else! Dietary choices, like sexual preferences and politics are surely not for sharing with EVERYONE.

I blame the growing population.

We feel increasingly unimportant which isn’t good for the human race. So we create qualities and habits which make us significant. And then tell everyone about it. Hence we’ve been noticed. For a second or two. Til we eat a veal escalope…

OK. I’ve had my say now. Thought I ought to.