“May contain nuts…”

At least 50% of ads are now taken up with T&Cs raced through by some rubber-tongued actor.

Do these actors have timed auditions? Nothing to do with interpreting the nuances of heroic speeches or enunciation (well, a bit I suppose) or getting into character. Just, “read this legal paragraph clearly and as fast as you can… too slow…next!”

Ads used to be entertaining: you’d watch ten minutes of Braveheart then refresh your perspective, return to the 21st century and find at least a couple of ads interesting. Fear of litigation is ruling all the creative energy in advertisers’ work. What a bore.

Now, no such luck. It’s the whole of Braveheart interrupted by clean kitchens/wok sauce or another car with T&Cs. I’ve had enough!

The phrases that makes me laugh a sort of desperate sob? ‘Subject to availability’. or ‘while stocks last’.

Surely not. There must be some loophole. Some legal labyrinth forgotten by footnotes and which says in reality you have a right to acquire things that are no longer in existence.

I wouldn’t stand for it. I’d protest in the carpeted areas of John Lewis yelling, “I demand my faux leather, African style pouffé which comes free with my faux leather, African style armchair. It says I can have it. I’m not moving ‘til you order more.”

They’ve stopped making them. The poor, emaciated, five year old children across the globe have been ordered to stop working because their eyesight is failing due to years of close work hand stitching the seams.

Or start a fight in Asda. “Where’s my free tenth packet of Bourbons you said I could have if I bought nine? Sold out? So? Drive to Lidl and acquire me a packet!”

I want unconditional offers. Mo caveats. No exceptions. It just spoils the ad experience when wonderful offers are hindered by T&Cs.

You wouldn’t enter a marriage with T&Cs. That’s a contract. ‘In sickness and in health (excludes certain health conditions); for better for worse (while patience lasts and I draw the line at baldness and a decline in personal hygiene); for richer or poorer (does not include redundancy or absolute poverty.)

And now there’s a way businesses can waive all blame. Power-selling absolved of all moral responsibility. They can push gambling, booze and fatty foods. Include the word ‘aware’ after the ad and they’re safe.

‘Drink aware’, ‘gamble aware’… Compulsive gamblers will be aware they’re gambling, sure. “So what? Fancy another game of snap?”

Heavy drinkers are aware they’re drinking: it’s not enough to throw in two useless words. Alcoholics need help. More like the straight messages on cigarette packets: ‘Heavy drinking destroys friendships and kills you. Or maybe just the AA’s telephone number.

Aaaah, what they mean to say is: be aware that gambling to the point that you’ve pawned your socks, teeth, wedding ring and inheritance is unhealthy. Seek professional help. Is that clear?

And driving in the car with the fan on and traffic outside listening to a sloppy actor on the radio saying ‘Drink aware’ sometimes sounds like ‘drink away’…

Can we just consolidate all the small print and T&Cs into one line? ‘Ad aware.’ We’re so marketing conscious these days, that should suffice.

My mild request is that businesses assume we have some nous and just tell us what they want us to buy and why.

We’re reasonable and fairly intelligent aren’t we (subject to status)?

And if we’re not, how are we going to understand all those long words like ‘conditions’ and financial services ombudsman’ in the T&Cs?

Odd thing is posters and ads in publications don’t seem to include these T&Cs? Why not?

End of blog. My own T&Cs have been kindly provided by the Bucks Free Press. See below.