AS I tried to sink back deeper into the chair, the man in front of me sighed, backed away a little and uttered the immortal words which have stayed with me for 42 years: ‘Come on Mr Mortimer, act like a man.’ It was also said in a broad Australian twang – which seemed to make it worse – for that is where my dentist came from.

I don’t like dentists. I have nothing against them personally, it’s just what they do. I’ve climbed vertical rock faces and raced pedal bikes around a track in hairy situations at speeds in excess of 40mph, but all that’s a breeze compared to someone poking around in your mouth with dangerous instruments.

Consequently my visits to such establishments are rare and usually confined to when something isn’t quite right with the molars.

And why do hygienists insist on trying to have a conversation with you? Your mouth’s continually being sluiced, they’re chipping at your teeth with something sharp or whirring away at them with a brush that has a pitch to make the hairs on your hairs stand on end.

“So what do you think about the current state of the environment then?”

“Gaarg raar urgle thragle brarg,” is my usual reply.

I don’t want to engage them in small talk. I just want them to do what they do as quickly and painlessly as possible and let me get out of the place – fast.

So I was interested to read about a report last week which revealed a sharp drop in the number of people in Bucks visiting dentists. There were 15,000 fewer patients seen in the two and half years after the introduction of the controversial national contract in April 2006.

The whole issue revolves round an increase in the number of NHS dentists opting to go private, which makes things much more expensive for the patient.

I suggest the figures aren’t likely to improve either. Indeed they will almost certainly get worse, for the dreaded credit crunch will inevitably take its toll on dentistry.

As money gets tighter a visit to the dentist will be an ‘emergency issue’ only for many people struggling to make ends meet.

There is, of course, a serious issue here. The health service and Government have spent years encouraging dental hygiene through proper and regular care and healthy diets, but all that’s in danger of being eroded – so to speak.

People are clearly already beginning to refrain from going to the dentist and that situation will only get worse which means a decline in the state of the nation’s teeth.

Where will it all end?

Well people might be tempted to try the DIY approach. A quick visit to that online auction emporium – eBay – reveals some interesting stuff for sale. There’s dental equipment and drill (current bid was £2), new root canal treatment dental equipment (starting price £335, no bids) or a toe-curling ‘bone spreading osteotones’ (£43.46, no bids).

Or we could return to the 19th Century approach when dentistry was not a profession and the job was usually done by the barber who simply yanked out the offending tooth.

It could give a whole new approach to the traditional Saturday morning visit: “Short back and sides and scale and polish please.”