I CAN confirm that the Heights of Hazlemere are now truly enjoying a Mediterranean climate. There are those who think that all this talk of global warming is bunkum, but after extensive ecological tests I can confound these wildly misplaced theories.

The Chilterns are now on the brink of slipping into this subtropical climate which will bring with it a whole new world of benefits. It will become a mecca for cheap summer holidays and at its heart will be Costa Del Wycombe. This will be home to countless pseudo English pubs, rowdy drinking, nefarious goings on in dark corners and punch ups in the streets – on second thought not much change there then.

Anyway, what has led me to this momentous environmental conclusion you may ask. Well the answer is a bunch of grapes, in fact two to be precise.

Three years ago we planted a grape vine. After a poor show at the end of the first season and a stem bearing leaves that looked grey and washed out I followed the footsteps of our King in Waiting. I gave the plant a good talking to and threatened it with eviction. Last season saw a huge improvement, a veritable canopy of leaves over our little patio. But still no grapes.

This year it looked to have trudged the same unproductive route, but then on Thursday with the leaves beginning to fall, there for all to see were two fine bunches of black grapes.

I even give you a picture of this auspicious event.

Now you may think that’s a bit of a thin peg on which to hang my conclusion, but there is more. For instance earlier this summer our small apricot tree in the front garden produced two glorious fruits. Not only that, but our olive tree is covered in olives for the first time.

Forget your sprouts and runner beans, these are the culinary stars which are clearly going to blossom in our new climate.

THE English Channel is a bit of a life-saver for us Brits. It has broken the back of many attempted invasions in the course of history. At its narrowest point it measures just 20.3 miles however, and so that makes Calais and its environs a favourite place for gathering forces.

The latest to be seen off of course was the infamous Jungle, an illegal refugee camp which the French destroyed last month. For some time it had been home to Iraqis, Afghans and Sudanese migrants who were using it as a base to try and smuggle their way into the UK.

As if we haven’t got enough people sponging off the state already. Still in the Political Party Season everyone’s promising to sort that one out. Anyway last Tuesday we packed a plane load off back to Afghanistan with the French and British government giving each person £1,900 and the promise of retraining.

So are things now all quiet at the French invasion point? Well actually no.

We are being warned that Vespa velutina is now setting its beady eye on these shores. This is an Asian predatory hornet which first arrived in France stowed away on container ships from China in 2004 – more illegal immigrants then.

This summer swarms of them have been reported to have attacked people and that their stings which contain more poison than a wasp are very painful.

All good B movie horror stuff so far then. However, the main concern about these hornets is that they eat bees and have been destroying hives at a scorching pace.

However, some agricultural specialists have said that the bees, while thriving in south west France, may not yet invade Britain because of our climate.

But – just to rack up the tension in good horror movie style – given my grapes and the changing Hazlemere environment... dum dum dummm.