In life, sex changes things. What editors fail to understand is that sex changes everything in a book too.

Are they aware that in adding sexual content, they’re changing the book? The plot the story, possibly even the outcome. Is it still the same book then?

If Jane and Mr. R grope behind Mrs. Fairfax’s back and while little Adele is playing with her petit boîtes or whatever, will that burn their love out?

In those days one of the reasons men married (women too no doubt) was to ensure their regular satisfaction of the flesh. If they explore that too early on, will they tire of eachother?

And how will the moments be written about? In keeping with the book’s language I hope. Or maybe just in a tired, gratuitous way.

And another question I have is: which version will schools present to students when they come to study them? Maybe I don’t want to know the answer to that.

I’ll be frank and say I haven’t even read Fifty Shades. Not interested. I also won’t be reading any of the rewritten classics. Not even if they defile Shakespeare.

But I still want to know why some feel this is a progressive move. I’m wholly unmoved by most sex scenes, except in a very few cases.

(Kieslowski’s Three Colours: White for example). And a passage in My Sister’s Keeper of fiercely hurt lovemaking. A few others I can think of too. But I can count these on the fingers of one hand.

What next? Will art lovers start tampering with the Mona Lisa (‘she needs to show more boob’) or Van Gogh’s The Potato Eaters. Hmm, that’ll stump them.

Or are we simply catering to non-literary groups? Hard Times: a story of scandalous sex between girls of different classes.’ Or, The Mayor of Casterbridge: Henchard’s growing impotency against a backdrop of rural change.’ God help us.

And then what about the authors? Writing something that was pertinent to the times they lived in, was outspoken and forged the way for future writers to be controversial and outspoken matters.

Including sex within those novels is overlooking the writer’s work. It’s actually belittling it.

Publishers aren’t being controversial by adding kissing or groping or bedroom scenes. They’re doing the opposite and minimising the writer’s aims and purposes with their books.

I wonder too how we’ll ever share these classics after? I might mention Jane Eyre to someone in passing.

“My favourite part is when they’re in the garden walking when he’s just arrived back.”

“Oh, just after he’s had his tongue down her throat in the library?” they’ll say.

“That’s not in the book Charlotte Bronte wrote!”

If we as readers can’t digest worthy books, either we shouldn’t read them or we should get help. Must we coat everything in syrup just so we can say we’ve read certain books?

I’ll probably never read Ulysses but don’t expect someone to rewrite it for me with lots of sexual references just so I understand it. It’s unlikely to work anyway.

Good books should stimulate the upper portions of our bodies (the brain) event though they might have a strongly sexual theme.

Moving ever southwards to stimulate everything below the waist… well… why bother?

Or will we be reading porn thinly disguised as a classic? The equivalent of drinking gin from a bottle concealed in brown paper bags.

I don’t know. But I don’t want any part of it.