Britain’s got singers, dancers and weirdos – but no comics (From Bucks Free Press)

Britain’s got singers, dancers and weirdos – but no comics

11:11am Friday 5th June 2009 in

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I REALLY have to take issue with the name of the television show that gripped the country last week.

Britain’s Got Talent.

No, it doesn’t. Not judging by the wealth of mediocrity that dominated our screens for so long.

To set the record straight from the start, I am a big fan of Simon Cowell and of the way he has reinvented TV talent shows.

I am also a huge fan of these type of competitions. My very own brother once won Opportunity Knocks, as part of a show choir, while my late uncle was both a top harmonica player and an agent.

My brother also once won another amateur talent competition by playing the William Tell Overture by tapping a comb perpetually on to his teeth (honest).

So I know all about the world of talent shows, even though I am personally completely talentless – apart from being born with the useless ability of being able to juggle three balls at the same time.

And I have to confess to becoming addicted to Britain’s Got Talent throughout its run. But, by the end, I felt let down and fed up.

It wasn’t the failure of Susan Boyle to win; it wasn’t even the sobbing children that got my goat.

Instead, it was the fact there was a complete lack of real comic talent, unless you count the overweight lady who sent the judges into strange raptures by baring her flesh.

And don’t give me Stavros Flatley. Yes the father and son madcap dance act was amusing and deserved a good run, but it’s not sustainable cutting edge comedy.

Cowell and co are obsessed with singers, dancers and weird novelty acts. But I saw no sign of any successful stand-up comic or a decent impressionist.

Oh, but they are so cliched and have been seen too often before, I hear you cry. Well, you could say the same about the multitude of karaoke singers or sweet little kids showing crooning ability beyond their years.

At one point, I thought a ventriloquist was actually going to make it through to the final. He was genuinely talented and had tried something different for the semis.

But, in a straight choice, the judges predictably went for a handsome 17-year-old singer instead and booted the funnyman off.

The young singer was decent, but should have been on the X Factor.

I rang my dad afterwards in frustration. It was if we had been reading each other’s minds, because he told me he had voted for the ventriloquist on the grounds it was meant to be a variety contest. By the way, my dad was the one who taught my brother to play William Tell with a comb on his teeth, but that’s another story.

In the end, a perfectly good act – dancers Diversity – won the show’s finale and I was pleased. But the programme really should be renamed: Britain’s Got Singers and Dancers.

Britain, however, doesn’t have comics, judging by all of this.

I just don’t accept that is the case and would like as a result to lay down a challenge to the readers of the South Bucks Star.

Are you a traditional comedian, or do you know of one who would make Amanda Holden cry with laughter as opposed to schmaltzy sentimentality?

I would like to find a comedy star who the Star can help enter next year’s Cowell extravaganza and show that genuine old-fashioned routines, or sharp stand-up, can still work.

If I get enough nominations, I might even try to arrange a south Bucks comedy talent show where we could pick a champion to go forward for us.

Email me at scohen@london.newsquest.co.uk or ring entertainment reporter Simon Farr on 01494 755086 if you want to enter this challenge.

You never know, Simon Cowell is famous for snapping up music sensations, but you could just be the comedian who has him laughing all the way to the bank.