Rooney is in panto - oh yes, he really is

10:07am Friday 28th November 2008

LAST week, I referred to sizing clothes by reference to well-known names, instead of numbers, in order to remove the stigma from the bluntness of “Waist – 42!” I chose ‘Rooney’ as representative of the smallest size, failing to recall that there is a modern and well-known Rooney, who whilst not exactly a six footer is nonetheless not diminutive either. But I was not referring to the talented Manchester United and England player – Wayne, but to his octogenarian namesake ‘Mickey’ who at 5 feet 1 inch is undoubtedly more deserving of the ‘S’ classification. So young readers and football lovers, I apologise for the confusion.

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Shelf-stacking policies are rank size-ism

10:26am Friday 21st November 2008

AS A nation that has historically been reticent to do so, we are gradually learning that we have a right to question and even complain if necessary, when as customers we feel the need.

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Good Samaritan saved this dam fool in distress

11:44am Friday 14th November 2008

THERE are still some good Samaritans out there. My jinxed car got me into trouble yet again this week. On Tuesday evening, as I was driving to Milton Keynes where I am performing this week, I hit a concrete block that someone had thoughtfully left for me in the middle of the road.

It’s so sad we cannot send gifts to heroes

10:40am Friday 7th November 2008

AS we approach Remembrance Day, it is particularly sad to learn that the MoD has asked the public not to repeat last year’s initiative, whereby thousands of people showed their appreciation of the work of our servicemen in Afghanistan and Iraq by sending gift parcels to them at Christmas.

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Ross and Brand are smug idiots

11:21am Friday 31st October 2008

EVER since the first caveman got a cheap laugh, comedians have pushed the boundaries of taste into areas previously regarded as offensive or unacceptable. Humour has been used very effectively to challenge powerful individuals and oppressive regimes throughout history by brave writers and performers.

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This lack of trust fills me with horror

9:37am Friday 24th October 2008

THE credit card was trumpeted as the first step towards a cashless society. The advantage would be a reduction in opportunities for theft of money, apparently. Sadly, the reverse has proved to be the truth. The only difference is that the villains now remove our money from a safe distance, usually hidden behind several layers of computers.

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How you can support to our heroes

12:18pm Friday 17th October 2008

THERE are many charity events asking for our support, but few that stir the nation with quite the same emotion as the British Legion’s Poppy Day. On two occasions in the last few years, I have accompanied school trips to Ypres and the graveyards of the Somme. The sight of those white headstones disappearing almost into infinity could not fail to touch the flintiest of hearts.

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Clarkson was wrong about highway heroes

1:00pm Friday 10th October 2008

THE wielder of the fickle hobnail boot of fate was clearly delighted when, after years of being more traditional in my choice of car, I decided last autumn to buy a convertible. Not only has there only been a handful of days when driving with the wind in my hair (…alright, across my cranium) was a serious option, but my sleek Saab has proved a poisoned chariot. It replaced an elderly saloon that was starting to lose oil and water and needed a new head gasket. So, of course, as soon as it was out of warranty – new head gasket required.

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I always nip down to Asda with Brad Pitt

12:50pm Friday 3rd October 2008

IF IT weren’t for the fact that we are all going to end up footing the bill one way or another, there would be more than a small part of me thinking that the financial institutions are getting exactly what they deserve in the current global meltdown.

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See me in the funniest play ever written

9:46am Friday 26th September 2008

TWENTY years ago, I went to see a play at the Savoy Theatre in London that made me laugh so much that my ribs ached.

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